Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I've decided

to follow Jesus.

Well, we already knew that. But I have really decided to follow Jesus. Yep. I've decided. I didn't really have  a choice in the matter. But that is besides the point. Here's the deal.

Two years  ago I was living my life. It was a typical life. Well, kind of. Nothing about me has ever or will ever be typical. But it was my normal nonetheless. My normal included being a taxi driver, chef, very involved in our church & children's programs, I was involved w/ the kids' much as I could be with 18 month old twins, we were renting a home that we were in the process of buying {it wasn't our dream home, but our dream was to have had the tiniest kitchen in the world, but we loved it}. Our normal was on track for us. Then out of nowhere....blindsided.

Fired. Unemployed. We were just sure it was all gonna blow over, that is why we pay unions right?? Not this time. Over the next 2 years it has been one blindside after another. Tragic stuff. I couldn't even begin to explain it all. Honestly? Most days I feel I must be inane. This stuff doesn't happen to normal people. It just doesn't. My family, my friends, me....we're just like.....something else? Really???? I truly have some stellar people who love me. Who pray for us. Who are so burdened for us. Everyone I know wants to fix 'it'. I want to fix 'it'. Here's the thing.....There isn't an easy/quick fix. Most days I look at the entire picture & I'm overcome with enormous amounts of anxiety, fear, guilt, anger & hopelessness. I wonder when will things be normal again? When will we have a home? "I don't know how you do it" I hear often. Seriously? I don't either. And most days I don't do 'it' gracefully. Or with joy. Oh, how I'm working on counting it all joy. I often tell myself...."Get over you, Job lost EVERYTHING"!!!

I read the other day on facebook 'where there is not struggle there is no strength.' I literally said out loud.....Well, we're gonna be some strong some ma bleeps {only I didn't say bleep...I think you get my drift}.

Back to I've decided....

I've been fighting the 'waiting on God' with the 'I gotta fix this there has to be something I can do' or the 'we have to get back home there just isn't any other options'. I've planned how we're gonna move back to our family....500 times. I've rationed in my mind....we shouldn't have moved here...over a million times . We were nuts. I picture the caravan that brought all our stuff here. I remember my complete faith then. I remember how we jumped in with blind faith knowing God had amazing things in store.

So I've decided that God still has amazing things in store. I've also decided that Satan is so intimidated by us & by what God has in store for us that he is desperately trying to do everything to knock us down, to defeat us. Everything. I decided to wear him out. To do everything I can to knock him down. Everything.

You wanna join me as I balance living on a wing and a prayer....while I continue to fight, fix 'it' & wait on God all at the same time??

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