Oh, how my heart just breaks!
So......real quick your life can just take a turn for the worse. Real quick. Like you blink your eyes and its done! Snap! Over! But its been almost 2 years.....2 freaking years!
I am so mad right now! My heart breaks. I don't know how to change things. I don't know what to do. Right now my best is not good enough. And my husbands best is not good enough. And my kids deserve so much more. I guess if they never had, it would make things so much easier to take. I don't know....maybe not.
I hate that I cannot take them anywhere. I hate that they cannot participate in sports. I hate that they are not living a 'normal kids life'!!
My heart hurts for them.
I am so mad at me.
I am so mad at my husband.
I am just so mad.
I am at my worst.
Not many people can handle my worst, which of course leads to loneliness.
But I have to keep showing up, whether I have a smile on my face or not. And honestly, right now I do not. Its more like tears. You see, my son is bummed. He wants to get to participate in some things that we cannot do. He sees others doing them and he cannot. It makes him sad and he feels less worthy. And he is trying to be strong. And I see that. I know how hard it is to have to continue to be strong. It breaks my heart. And the thing is, in my opinion he is SO worthy. But I am his mom. I am partial. I adore him. Did I mention that I hate this? Can I just snap my fingers and this horrible, no good, very bad, very long nightmare be over?
I plan on showing up in this blog, whether I am smiling or crying. Today, right now, I am crying. I hope to bring smiles soon. But I am all about being real. And if you ask me how I am doing......you might wanna carve out an hour or so of your day.